Kisses and fears
by Danym
Summary: After their conversation on the porch at the engagement party, Harm and Mac can’t stop thinking about it and some decisions are made without them.


Kisses and fears

By Dany 

Spoilers: Set after 'Lifelines'

Classification: Story, Harm/Mac Romance

Rating: PG-13

Summary: After their conversation on the porch, Harm and Mac can't stop thinking about it and some decisions are made without them.

Author's Note: It's my first JAG story. I tried to make Mic not look like a complete bastard, because I think there are enough stories where he is. That's not to say that I particularly like him, but I thought it would be a good challenge.

Disclaimer: JAG and the characters are the property of Donald Bellisario, Paramount and CBS. No copyright infringement is intended. Please do not distribute without the consent of the author.

xxxxx

Mac was exhausted. The day had been tiring, but the evening had been even worse. Her engagement party. She couldn't really believe it, it was not what she had expected. Harm, was the only thing that had burned itself into her memory so that she would never forget. Not Mic, not the actual engagement, not the cake or any other of the guests. Harm. She shook her head to clear it and come back to reality. And reality was here, with Mic.

After the party was over they had returned to her apartment to finish the evening in private. And now she stood in her bathroom in front of the mirror and kept staring at herself, unmoving. She didn't know what she was trying to see, but she couldn't find it. She was so engrossed in herself that she didn't hear the door open and Mic enter. Only when he stood right behind her and began softly nibbling on her neck did she notice his presence. Suddenly she didn't want him there. She rationalized it with being among so many people the whole day, even knowing that it wasn't true.

"Mic, uh, could I have a minute, please? I need to wind down a bit. There were so many people tonight." She moved slightly away from him.

Mic was not happy with this, she could see that, but seemed to decide that one minute more or less didn't make any difference. "I'll wait outside." He said and retreated back into the livingroom.

Tears welled up in Mac's eyes, but she was determined not to cry. 'Suck it up, Marine!' she chided herself. 'This is supposed to be one of the happiest days in your life so get a grip and be with the man you're going to marry.' With one last look into the mirror, she moved away to slip into more comfortable clothes.

A few minutes later she joined Mic, who had traded his suit for a more casual outfit. When he opened his arms, she went without hesitation and let him envelope her. The doubt had receded back into a far corner of her mind, and she was starting to relax again. She was going to marry Mic Brumby. Yes indeed.

Mic bent down to kiss her and whispered, "You are beautiful, I love you Sarah." But when his lips touched hers another sentence shot through her head. 'You have someone who'll always loves you!'

And every feeling she'd had before when Mic kissed her disappeared. Instead, she felt...nothing! Just emptiness. No warm fuzzy feeling – no cold chilling one. Nothing. She tried to deepen the kiss, hoping that would induce some, any, feeling in her, but it was useless.

Mic didn't seem to notice her problem, glad to have her respond so fiercely to him. And Mac didn't stop him, when he moved them towards her bedroom, nor when he started to undress her. She was too desperate to feel something. She felt his hands caressing her wherever he removed her clothing, followed by the touch of his lips.

"Sarah!" he whispered above her skin. Looking up, though, he realized everything was not alright. Something was very wrong. Tears where streaming down Sarah MacKenzie's face while she was staring at the ceiling.

"Sarah?" He moved away from her, keeping his eyes on her face.

"Sarah?" he called again and when she finally looked at him, he saw what he hadn't wanted to see from the first day on. It was over.

And for the first time he also realized that this was hurting them both. He had never meant to force her into something and she had never meant to lead him on. It was over.

Suddenly he noticed that she was looking at him, softly chanting, "I'm sorry!" over and over again.

Mic stood and said, "It's ok, and I am sorry too." He took his shoes and the rest of his clothing and finally left.

Mac on the other hand did not move, to shocked to do anything. She lay motionless on her bed staring at the ceiling again, letting the tears flow freely now. It was over.

xxxxx

Harm lay awake too, only he didn't cry. That didn't mean he didn't feel like it. This evening had been wonderful, finally talking to Mac again. But it also had been torture, feeling that he was losing her nonetheless. 'She is going to marry Mic Brumby.' And there was nothing he could do. He didn't know why he had let everything go so awry. It was his fault and now it was over.

He wallowed so deep in self-pity that he almost didn't hear the knock on his door. For a few seconds he debated with himself whether to go and open the door or to just stay here ignoring whoever it was, but then reason won out and he got up.

When he opened the door he found himself face to face with the last person he had expected: Mic Brumby. He was too shocked to move and let Brumby in so they just stood there staring at each other. After a couple of minutes of staring marathon Mic broke the silence.

"Look, mate. I don't know what happened between you and Sarah...and I don't want to know, but Sarah is at home right now, crying her eyes out and I can't stop it. But you could. If only you would swallow your pride. My place is not here anymore, maybe it never was, and I never meant for it to end this way, but it's over. Don't hurt her any more than you already did. For some reason I don't understand, Sarah loves you. And you love her, which is not hard to understand at all. So do us all a favor and do something. And if I hear that you are not married within the next year I will come back and we will continue our little sparring match." With that said he turned and left down the hall without Harm having said one word to him.

Harm still stood motionless in the door, to shocked to do anything. He couldn't get a grip on what had just happened here. What the hell had happened?

Finally removing himself from the doorway, Harm walked over to the window. He needed to think. Mic had said that they had broken up, didn't he?

He hadn't said it in these words, but that was what it came down to. He was leaving. Without Mac. She was crying in her apartment, but why? Was it because Brumby left, or was it because of him?

Mic had hinted so, but maybe he had misinterpreted things. And he wanted him to go to her, be with her. Hell, he wanted him to marry her. What was that about?

Mic was giving her free for him. But that didn't sound right. It was not Mic's place to do that. Mac was her own person and that was hard fought for, so it had to be her decision. Not his and not Brumby's.

But this little talk had other consequences. Now he had to really consider what he wanted out of life. He should not be putting it off until it was too late again. What did he really want? Truth was he already knew what he wanted. Mac, he wanted Mac.

But would it be a relationship like all the others, where they were lucky 'if you get 5 good days a month'? Or would it be 'til death do us part'? He had already told her his biggest fear – losing her. So if this went wrong, either way, he knew he would lose her. But...wasn't that happening just now, despite her reassurances? Damn, why was this so hard?

He knew he never wanted to live without her. He wanted to be with her every day. He wanted to hold her, kiss her, make love to her and tell her every day that he loved her. Did he? He had said it like that and he had meant it.

Still, he was afraid of taking the last step. He knew he was overanalyzing things, but he had the feeling that he needed to do it. After a few minutes of further rationalization he decided to and talk to his dad. Maybe than he could make a decision and ask Mac to be with him. If she still wanted him at all.

xxxxx

As Harm walked up to the wall he could see a lone figure standing in front of it, seeming to talk to someone on it. He wondered who the poor soul was that came here so late at night. Someone like him.

When he drew closer he recognized that person. Not any person, Mac!

He fought the urge to run away and went to stand beside her. Neither spoke, they just kept starring at the wall. Mac hadn't even turned to acknowledge his presence. Harm tried to talk to his father, but the woman next to him kept distracting him, so he gave up and looked at her instead.

Tears were making their way down her face and suddenly all he wanted to do was hold her. He made a move to do so, but then stopped himself. She couldn't want him. He had hurt her too much.

But then she surprised him by turning to him, sobbing: "How could we let it go that far?" Mac looked him directly in his eyes, not being able to stop crying.

Suddenly Harm realized how much his actions or rather his inaction had hurt his Sarah. And not only her. Mic and Renee had suffered too. What had he done?

"I'm sorry...I just don't want to lose you." And then he started talking. He told her every single one of his fears about them. That she decided she wanted something else. That they would argue and it would escalate. That they would be separated at work. That they would lose their friendship. That one of them would be killed – and he could not stand being left behind and he did not want to cause her the same pain his mother had experienced when his father had been shot down. Simply, that he would lose her, which way ever.

Mac just listened. She was surprised that Harm's fears were rooted so deep and she hadn't known it. She had always thought that his not letting go was about Diane, but now she knew better. Diane was just one small part of it. It was another loss he had to suffer from. Without thought she embraced him, holding him tightly while it was his turn to cry.

"I'm so sorry!" both of them spoke at the same time, and for the first time in so long they felt that maybe there was hope for both of them. After Harm had finally stopped crying they moved over to a bank in silence. This was a comfortable silence again. And it felt good.

Mac opened the conversation. "Mic and I broke up."

"I know," was his only reply. Stunned she held his eyes with hers and waited for him to elaborate. Harm told her about Mic's surprise visit and what he had said. Never would she have expected Mic to do something like that. He didn't even like Harm, did he? Well, but he had apparently done it, for her.

"Harm, you know I can't promise you that nothing will ever happen to us, there are no guaranties, but I can promise you something. I will not leave you for anything in this world, our friendship is too important to me. I don't want to sacrifice one for the other and I don't think we have to. We can have both. We will work on it and we will HAVE both. That is, if you want it." The last bit was said a bit lower, because doubts were creeping back into her. They grew when only stared at her.

He was shocked. She really still wanted him.

"Harm say something, please. I'm afraid I said too much again." Seeing her brown eyes clouding over with tears, pleading with him to say something, he realized that he had to do it right this time.

"I'm sorry." Mac wanted to look away thinking that he was turning her down again, but he held her face between his hands and continued. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you this earlier, Sarah. I want to be with you. I want to make it work. I want you and I...I love you!" A enormous stone fell from his heart making it so light that it soared. Finally he had said it right. It was so much easier to breath now that he had said it.

Mac on the other hand, felt her heart constrict. Harmon Rabb Jr. had finally said it. Never had she been so happy. "Oh Harm, I love you too!" They were finally free.

About everything else they could talk later, but for now they were sitting here, holding each other just reveling in the feeling of finally being free to love.

The end


End file.
